You can even think of this as being accosted by the pub drunk who harangues you with hot boozy breath on your way back from the toilets.
Either suits. I'm not fussy, as long as I plant a seed in your thoughts.
Meatopia '15 had me hooked. A weekend-long fiesta of smoke and fire and meat, with specialists from all over the world, all under one roof, or one roof and a dockside. You can read about that- and a stellar performance from some very familiar names- here.
So when Meatopia 2016 rolled into town, there was only one right and proper response: to go again.
Twice.
There hasn't been the same intensity of anticipation among Londoners since their forebears waited for the doors of Mrs Lovett's Pie Shoppe to open all those years ago.Meatopia is remarkably simple and pared back to what's important. You get your 'meatbucks', you wander around, you eat, you drink. Each dish is cooked live, each dish is priced at £5, so you're free to graze all day; we tend to share each one, to ensure maximum coverage, though even that strategy means we fall just short of sampling all 25-odd stalls. As festivals go, it is by some distance the highlight of my eating year.
With slabs of meat hanging suspended from stout chains, ready to be pressed into service, and whole animals roasting over leaping flames, the air thick with smoke, it's enough to give Withnail's Uncle Monty conniptions. This is unashamedly about flesh, red in tooth and claw: there's no concession to inclusiveness here.
In the interest of fairness, they make that perfectly plain on their website; besides, no one is going to the stake (sic) for my right to eat black pudding at VeganFest.
2016 was the debut of the world-renowned Francis Mallmann, and how often are you going to get the chance to eat his food without racking up the sort of expenses that would make an MEP blush?
Richard H Turner organises the whole shebang, so it only seems fair to try his burger first. Topped with salt beef, Federia - a Gruyere style cheese- and Russian dressing, it's a great loosener and a play on the classic Reuben sandwich.
Jose Pizarro's Ibérico Presa Cinco Jotas with a bunuelo (fried dough ball) with chorizo was a treat from someone who is a particular food hero of mine, the pork served as pink as he does at his restaurants, and all topped off with a mint alioli.
Predictably, Mallman's stall is busy. The queue was probably ten minutes' long, which is substantial by Meatopia standards: his appearance represents a huge 'get' by the organisers.
The meat is suspended in a wire dome over a carpet of coals, and each piece is lifted or lowered as appropriate to achieve the desired results. What we end up with is meat so pink, so buttery tender, so slick with olive oil: it's how you'd like all your barbecued meat to be, and beautifully complemented by a daub of vivid green chimichurri. It's memory-making stuff, enough to bring the fanboy out of anyone.
If you tend to associate Yotam Ottolenghi with meat-free cooking, with inventive ways with vegetables and vibrant salads, it comes as a slight jolt to see his stand- Nopi- roasting a whole animal, testicles and all, for their goat shawarma with watermelon, pomegranate and mint. It's a perky, refreshing serving.
Angie Mar (The Beatrice, New York) is an early favourite. Smoked rack of wild boar with a dense cherry sauce teams ribs with plenty of chew and salty meaty juices, with a brightly acidic mint sauce.
Selin Kiazim (Oklava) serves beautifully rendered duck perfumed with a spice rub. Smoky salty halloumi, tart pickled cabbage, the baharat spice mix, sumac garlic butter; the flatbread soaks it all up to make a dish impressively voluptuous.
Craftopia, the beer element, has some big names- Beavertown, Lagunitas, Sierra Nevada, Adnams, Arbor, Fourpure and so on: beer is more expensive than food here, though there are many samples to try.
Bone Daddies' Tom Moxon serves up lovely fatty meat lamb ribs, with his Shackfuyu sauce which leaves a long-lasting tickle at the back of the throat.
Richard Sandiford of Flamin' Liberty features Fistful of Cow (echoing last year's Fistful of Pig): it's rare brisket, a bone marrow and beef patty and buttermilk-brined beef cheek. Ogleshield cheese, pickles, a golden brioche: it's like a complilation album of Meat's Greatest Hits in one bun.
Patty and bun scotch X bonnet red chillies fermented for 3 months pork intensely tender
Mangalitsa kielbasa hispi kraut tart dressing
Tom Griffiths (formerly of Flank, now Pascere) gives us short rib and a pan stock dashi gravy, bone marrow ketchup and grated smoked beef heart. And if that makes you mutter 'oooof...' under your breath, you're not alone.
A Cuban sandwich- lightly toasted bread with pulled goat and a spicy mojo- from Dan Simmons and Tom Cenci (Duck and Waffle) is another instant favourite. It's tempting to think that competition and professional pride are such, that everyone is at the top of their game this weekend.
The highlights, then, from a day's worth of memorable eating. I shouldn't recommend Gluttony, I suppose, although it's right up there with Lust as my favourite Deadly Sin. Meatopia is an enthusiastic eater's idea of Nirvana. It isn't a cheap day out- you'll spend £35 getting in on the Saturday, even before you start grazing- but it is uniquely excellent: and if you're serious about your meat, you can't do much better.
Meatopia 2017 runs 1-3 September this year. Tickets are at http://meatopia.seetickets.com/event/meatopia-2017/tobacco-dock/1045969/ and sell out quickly.